Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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