Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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