I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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