i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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