hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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