I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
