omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
