Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize