and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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