Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
