she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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