we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
