You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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