3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
