I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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