I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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