I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
