I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
