I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
