Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
