He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
