Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
