why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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