I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
