My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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