I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
