I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
