either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
