Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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