Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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