Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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