How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
