why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
