He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
