You're my little dorito
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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