3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
