When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The Olympian is in my bed
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
