I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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