Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
