she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
