shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
