i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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