Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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