Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk is not a location!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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