He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
