Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
