my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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