which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
