I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Randomize
