Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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