I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
