i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
