Screwed.edu
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
