I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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